Silent Hill: Revelations, or, just because Sean Bean doesn’t die doesn’t mean ‘make a sequel’ 1

So this is movie is the hotly anticipated sequel to my personal favorite video game movie…err, ‘Silent Hill’.

And I was nervous at the start, to say the least.



Right so the mom makes a choice at the end of the first movie because apparently there’s some ‘seal’ and only her or the daughter can get through. Obviously, daughter gets chosen, but also comes through with the seal, so we can expect they’re all going to be looking for her. Whoever ‘all of them’ may be.

It’d be a bit easier if the lead were mildly interesting or attractive. Which leads to the next major point – no titties. I repeat captain, no titties in yet another horror movie – I’m not terribly disappointed since I know the series, but be forewarned, ye pleasure seekers you.

So now this order of people, the ‘Val’tiel’ or some such, are looking for this irritating chick. A private investigator finds her just in time to deliver some vital bits of info before being rather stereo typically carted off by a demon I’ve never seen in ANY Silent Hill game before.

side note: why the fuck are all the walls in this universe so goddamn stained. Like some diuretic poppin fuck rubbed his leaking ass all over the joint.

I'm starting to believe he only dies in decent movies

I’m starting to believe he only dies in decent movies

Its hard to say who actually wrote this shit. According to IMDB its the same clown that directed the flick, but I swear this reminds me more of Spanish day time drama than anything.

Even Jon Snow can’t save the day.

For whatever reason Jon Snow decides to save the day with this chick and the two of the venture off into what one can only hope is some sweaty sex filled sleep –



“HOLD ON IM ACTING.” Fuck. This is like… really bad. After knowing her for all of 5 minutes he says “I…I just don’t want anything to happen to you…” Dude really?

And then this happened.



And then the twist. Jon Snows from Silent Hill. He’s from the order. Oh my. Oh no.

The girl with the herpy-derpy face is apparently a part of Alyssa (the innocent part? something horrendously retarded) and must return to Silent Hill. I didn’t catch most of the dialog during that bit as I was too caught up relentlessly hammering my face into the wall.

carl-facepalmI…I just…

Lets be frank here. This backstory is over the top, contrived, and so fucking terrible it has to be punctuated with flashbacks every 2-3 minutes and continuous talking by less than interesting actors.

That being said, the scene with the nurses caused the most awkward boners

Bacchus: “Why am I aroused. Should I be aroused? Romulus are you-”

Romulus: “Already finished. (awkward sigh).”

I’ve had better Friday nights relentless hammering my balls with a furbie.

More fun, too. I mean at least I came.


She was probably going to die anyway

She was probably going to die anyway

Whats up next then? Some more good acting? OH PROBABLY JUST EXACTLY THAT

Sweet merciful horse cum on a winter’s day, this is SHITFUCKINGLY TERRIBLE



Seriously move along. As much as I love the series this is SO not worth the money I just spent. I’d rather get my ass reamed by a Nordic tranny.


Pyramidhead = win.

Every thing else = violent unlubricated buttsex with pinecones.

Not ever again you moist fucknuggets

Not ever again you moist fucknuggets

Go on then,

IMDB that shizz.

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