Stitches, or, Christ I hope you can keep me in them

Heres the deal. Anything that opens on a fuck scene in some vaguely european setting gets our immediate engorged upvote.

Stitches_2012_movie_poster

I’m just goin to call this brilliant demon  fuck-tits for now since I’m reasonably sure he’d appreciate something similar. I once had sex with this clown type chick. Didn’t end nearly as well as this piece.

Strap in.

SPOILERS BELOW YOU FAITHLESS TWATS

Synopsissy

Normally clowns rock soda fountains for flowers but this fucks gone and taken it to another level….
Anywho. Sociopathic clown bites it at an underperformed childrens birthday
Comes back from the dead
Enacts sweet sweet fuckin vengeance on the lil twats that done condemned him anyhow.
Theys be bit older now then, eh. Least 6 years hence eh. Brilliant.

ANYWAY. Again, for continuity’s sake, they’re all still worthless shits I can’t wait to see mercilessly dismembered. I desperately hope something reasonably enjoyable happens in the next 30 or i’m going to literally shit on my own cat. Also it seems the principal rocks a seaweed toupee. With a stapler. Ah fuck.

Right, sorry, also crazy clown kills some fucks. If you’ve got the time to spare…go learn a language or some shit this isn’t worth it.

Summary complete you fuck sweat

Heres the shitfuck deal of it all – can’t hate this piece near as much as I’d like to, seeing as its actually put together well! Upsetting, if you ask me.

I mean, the costuming is just right bout perfect, cinematography seems on point, and the kids are just douchey enough for me to pray they die sooner rather than later. Maybe I should have reviewed ‘all the boys love mandy lane’ but fuck that lesbian Amber Heard cunt. HOW DARE YOU HOARD THAT PUSSY.

Shit I may actually like this movie. DONT YOU DARE TELL ANYONE.

SOOOOOO yes, kids have grown up and their respective performances only slightly. By the end i wasn’t just happy for the kid, I was happy that I could finally return to my habit of shooting fucking heroin to make life even moderately enjoyable.

(I dont actually but watch the movie and tell me you aren’t tempted)

HEY STOP POKING YOUR OWN EYES OUT HEY STOP POKING YOUR EYES OUT

Right.

So.

THERE>…….WAS…..A PARTYYYYY!!!

Not nearly as entertaining. More like the adult ‘ernest scared stupid’ but somehow fucking stupider.

The unfortunate bottom line is murder. WHAT? MURDER YOU SAY?! HOW DARE YOU WRITE A REVIEW ON MURDER.

The only murder i’d tolerate here would be my own.

07_Thomas_Kane_Byrne_&_Ross_Noble_from_STITCHES_photo_by_Aidan_KDUDE I WASNT BEING SERIOUS ok fine

i think i’m drunk

The last bits of this movie make it worthwhile.

END FUCKING

Murder most pleasant. This one is FUN cunts, now get to it. Assuming we have similar definitions of fun that include murder and magic tricks. AND WE DO RIGHT?? HOW ABOUT SOCCER?! THAT DO IT FOR YA!!!!???!?

Fuck.

Anyway watch this. Its on netflix and absolutely worth your time.

IMDB

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One Response to “Stitches, or, Christ I hope you can keep me in them”

  1. Damn. These are really going downhill.

    Or maybe I shouldn’t drink a box of wine before writing.

    Ah fuck it. Like I give a shit.

    Like this

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